The Much Needed Wake Up Call.

Why do we allow ourselves to constantly dwell on love so much? Perhaps its for a better understanding of ourselves, or perhaps its because in the end Love seems to be the only thing in our lives that will finally make us feel complete. Over the course of 8 months now I have gone through the trials and tribulations of having love away as quickly as it started. People are never who they say they are in the end the only thing they are what we want them too be. Sometimes its difficult to look past someone flaws, weaknesses and even those annoying little things they do from time too time. I myself seem to be making the same mistake over and over, and that's not focusing more on the other person. I stopped taking the time to look at things from there point of view and understand how they were feeling. Instead I only focused on myself and how I was feeling, and that's where the road becomes rough. In allowing myself to fall down this path I have had my heart broken as well broken others. But the real question is why do I allow myself to do such things, and when does it end? Well the answer is simple its really up too me I have done nothing but be a walking contradiction, and a self centered fickle person. I hoping that with life taking a new turn and with the world being put at my feet I might finally be able to get to this point and become a person worth loving.

We're only Human.

Recent events have caused me to look back on certain hardships I have gone through as of late. I recently took a chance on someone who captured my eye in a way that I never expected. I have had my share of past ex's who more or less failed at being who they really were and only be deceitful liars. But I thought, why not take a chance on something new, I knew good and well that it wouldn't become this fairy tale scenario. We only live once right? So I took the time to get too know him and found myself astounded by his ability to keep everything real, and not sugar coat anything. A trait thats more and more difficult to come by now a days. We got closer things started to get more exciting, and the thought of him became a quite astounding feeling. But this past weekend I began to doubt who this guy was. Things started to become hazy and uncertain.

By the end of the weekend I was at the breaking point, I knew something was going on, I knew something was going on from the start of the weekend, and I couldn't allow myself to go around in circles in my head. So I confronted him on the matter, and his response was one I had hoped I would never have to hear again. "I have been seeing another guy" I was shocked, but at the same time I wasn't. Perhaps it was due to the fact that I had spent the whole weekend knowing what was going on. The shock was that, here is a guy who is quite grand has massive potential to be something great, yet he did this. When I had first met him I had told him how much I disliked lying and I had been cheated on and lied to by guys countless guys and that I didn't want to go through that again. So he was more than aware of how I felt about that, and to make things worse he had promised himself to this guy before he met me. So this news was just as hurtful as the lying.

I had my exchange of words with him about how much of a jerk he was and how it disgusted me that he had done such a thing to someone, who knew good and well had gone through that before. But at the same time, I couldnt just walk away from him, I still sat there and talked. Most would call me crazy for even staying there after finding out. But as most of you know Im not that kind of person. I went home that night not only angry with him, but myself as well. After thinking a lot I realized that deep down he was still that great guy and he still had potential, I found myself more disappointed than anything. Most would find that silly, and think im a sick person for even forgiving him, but I did. I the end he chose the other guy over me which to me really hurt me more than I let on, even though I was fully aware it was more or less a summer thing.

So, Im giving a shot at the "friend" deal which so far is going quite smoothly, but hey come on I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard at times, not being able to do the things I once did with him. But at the same time it still makes me happy to be around him, even though I give him slag constantly, kind of my way of blocking out the feelings I have for him. But at the same time I enjoy myself with him that much more. Another lesson learned, another week gone by, Kind of makes you excited for what comes next. I miss the little things but, In the end I rather just have my cake in front of me knowing its there rather than it be eaten and gone.

Exactly how I feel Currently.

I tried so hard, my dear, to show that you're my every dream

Yet you're afraid each thing I do Is just some evil scheme A memory from your lonesome past keeps us so far apart Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold, cold heart?

Another love, before my time, made your heart sad an' blue,and so my heart is paying nowfor things I didn't do In anger, unkind words are said that make the teardrops start Why can't I free your doubtful mind And melt your cold, cold heart?

There was a time when I believed that you belonged to me but now I know your heart is shackled to a memory The more I learn to care for you the more we drift apart Why can't I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold, cold heart?

Norah Jones

Theres A Lack Of Color Here...

Korea in less than a month! Woot who wouldn't be excited to get out of here? I know I am, for more reasons than one..... Even in all this excitement, I'm having a hard time establishing the feeling of complete bliss that one should feel when a chance like this falls in there lap. I really don't know how to feel, and that bothers me a lot. I would be lying if I said one of the factors of going there was for a boy. I find myself questioning my choice in going to Korea based on this one guy. Perhaps its my conscious telling me to take a chance, or perhaps its something that's beyond even me. All I know is that I'm meant to do this.

No matter the outcome I know that this experience will change my life in a way I can't myself even wrap my head around yet. I suppose that's what all these nerves are. Pent up fear, fear that thing wont work out, ill hate it there, Or perhaps he will hate me. But whats life without a little risk right? Breaking free and allowing myself to feel again. I have had a rough couple of months, I have suffered a broken heart the first one I ever have, and I hope my last. For some reason this one guy makes me forget about all these things. Even when he is at his worst, and he is frustrating me beyond all comprehension I'm still drawn to him. Why? Cause he is not afraid to be human and hold back somethings, that I myself wished he would show more.

I'm a risk taker, always have been. Even after being screwed over in every way a person could think of. I still end up back where I was the same risk taker I was before. That's where me and him differ. He holds back, is unsure of himself and what result his actions will take. I will admit, I have overreacted a few times due to this. I took it as him not really giving frak about how I felt, and that he was just playing games and didn't really have true feelings like he says he does. I mean I don't see it or feel it. To me its just words and not only does that hurt, But confuses me beyond anything I have ever felt.

If I'm such an amazing guy, show that to me a little more you know? I'm not asking much just for your time and thoughts :D
But I'm done ranting! lol KOREA IN 42 DAYS! I can't wait!

Photo Of The Day:A Information Desk For Church....Seriously?

The New Pornographers: Challengers

Photo Of The Day: Even Love Gets Lonely.